Preparing for the loss of a loved one.

[Jillybean]

Hi,
Where bugging in we are ok (always room for improvements), but how do we prepare ourselves for loss?
The basic ideas of having things to distract, but is there a way to prepare for this?
I'm waiting on news about my mum, I don't think it's good but still hoping for a positive outcome. I have 2 girls I have been hiding this from until we know more.

We can all add things to our preps, or skills, but how do we prep for emotional resilience?

Thanks.

[jansman]

Hi,
Where bugging in we are ok (always room for improvements), but how do we prepare ourselves for loss?
The basic ideas of having things to distract, but is there a way to prepare for this?
I'm waiting on news about my mum, I don't think it's good but still hoping for a positive outcome. I have 2 girls I have been hiding this from until we know more.

We can all add things to our preps, or skills, but how do we prep for emotional resilience?

Thanks.

You cannot prepare for it ( in my very humble opinion). When we lost my stepdad 20 years ago, we had no idea of the emotional rollercoaster we were climbing onto. From his diagnosis to departure from his life it was a year. We knew it was coming, and the hospice gave mum counselling, but it still hurt. To this day, it still hurts sometimes. I feel quite emotional right now, thinking about it. Time does heal though. I know it’s a cliche, but time does make it hurt less.

A young colleague has just lost her dad from long term illness. I told her that there will be bad days, and worse days too. But you find the strength from somewhere- you have to, and it is inside you. You just don’t know it until the time you have to draw upon that strength.

I can only wish you well, and I hope my little ramble helps you in some way.

[The Green Man]

Sorry about your situation, it’s very difficult.
We lost my father in law in 2016 after a short illness, we knew it was happening and we had 4 young children to protect.
We didn’t tell them what was happening, in hindsight that may have been a mistake, the youngest was too young to be given the news but we wish we had been more up front with the older ones but it’s difficult as your primary instinct is to protect your children.

Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

There is no right or wrong way and as Jansman has already said, it’s a rollercoaster and time is a healer.
Please make sure you don’t forget about yourself, it’s very easy to switch to automatic pilot in times of distress, you have to remember to give yourself time to deal with your feelings.

All the best.

[Jillybean]

Thank you,

We have experienced loss before and long term illness that wasnt long in the end. That was so hard (still is at times) but I fear this will be different. We tend to come together as a family, obviously that's not possible at the moment. My mum has asked me to hold off telling the kids until we know the extent of her illness.

It just got me thinking of if there is anything we can do. Alas, I think time is the only thing I have found to help.

[Arzosah]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Jillybean, it's especially difficult with the distance we all have to keep at the moment

I have some random points that came up for me as I was reading what you'd written:
1. respecting your mum's wishes, as she's the one going through it, is crucial, and it's what you're doing. How old are your girls, though? Don't put the answer online, necessarily - it's just that if they're older, and keeping them in the dark goes on for too long, they'd have feelings/reactions about that, resentment etc, that you might not have been expecting. People don't always want protecting.
If your mum wants to carry that on to the extent that you're getting uncomfortable with hiding the truth from them, it's okay to tell your mum that, I think, and to ask her if you can tell them.

2. is there anyone else you can talk to, your dad, a sibling, someone who also knows and is affected similarly?

3. talking helps - so does writing, in a private journal probably never to be seen by anybody else, especially if there's no one to talk to (I'm assuming you don't want to talk to friends yet?). Your girls might benefit from writing/typing on a laptop too. If they're too young for that to be an easy thing, they can still draw/crayon. Looking at family pictures for you and your mum, talking about the good times.

4. do you want to talk to the medical people involved yourself? Would your mum give you permission? Do you know what you'd want to ask them? Verbalising it, even to yourself, can help.

5. I went over to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and there's a page of articles about bereavement: https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/wh ... reavement/ there's a few about children, and a few about the pandemic too.

Hope this helps.

[Jillybean]

Thanks Arzosah,

I will look that up. Mum gave me permission to tell the girls last night. They are pre-teen and teen. It was hard, but mum and step dad are being very positive and practical.

My close friends know and we have been chatting, my eldest is autistic, and tends to react differently which is hard, but it's her way. I have spoken to my dad, and messaged my brother.

I'm going to start to write down happy memories and thoughts to remind myself and the kids of good times.

They are being very open with me, and honest about the situation, so there is little point in contacting her medical team.

I did go to McMillan and read up some bits, because there are so many secondary cancers, it looks like it will be keeping them at bay or relieving her pain. I should be happy that she has decided to enjoy the remaining time. I'm still hoping for the best outcome, but I think her positivity is the best we can hope for.

The pandemic is a pain in the bum, as I would really like to spend more time with her and add to happy memories.
Apologies for the subject matter.

[jansman]

Make full use of the McMillan services.They are truly Saints. The palliative care nurses who helped step dad were angels.Also remember, that they offer counselling for family too.My wife’s recent battle with cancer was overseen by McMillan, and I had a couple of moments where I was pretty despondent.A couple of twenty minute phone calls helped me to focus.

Our thoughts are with you.

[Arzosah]

MacMillans is a great idea - no matter where you go in this country, they seem to be wonderful. They helped us when my mum was dying (much older than your mum, but they still really helped).

Good to hear about the level of communication and support in the family. You raise a good point, about the differing needs of each of your children - really important to remember that.

Since your mum has a lot of secondary cancers, I'm afraid that does sound like it's only got one direction to go. But you don't know how long it might be - staying positive and enjoying the time that's left sounds very powerful.

Pandemic is definitely a pain in the bum geographic distance is one thing, but the need for pandemic precautions is quite another

And please, please don't apologise for bringing this in: this is reality, we talk about "shtf" constantly, and this is exactly that - it's not nationwide, but it's very real. You really sound like you're taking it on board and being as proactive as you can, which is all to the good. Come back on here about it if you need to, or pm me if you like.

[GillyBee]

Jillybean:I am sending you a virtual hug as I know this just plain hurts..

I was nine and my brother was six when my mum died of cancer. My dad tried so hard to protect us that it had the opposite effect. I knew Mum was in hospital but nothing about how poorly she was. I was eavesdropping Dad's phonecalls and getting the wrong idea. We were not allowed to visit the hospital or attend the funeral service.
It took years as an adult to sort out the emotional mess that resulted
Telling your girls is so hard but means they will not be worrying about what is bothering you or trying to find out by themselves. They will be able to say goodbye and that really does help.

[itsybitsy]

Jillybean:I am sending you a virtual hug as I know this just plain hurts..

I was nine and my brother was six when my mum died of cancer. My dad tried so hard to protect us that it had the opposite effect. I knew Mum was in hospital but nothing about how poorly she was. I was eavesdropping Dad's phonecalls and getting the wrong idea. We were not allowed to visit the hospital or attend the funeral service.
It took years as an adult to sort out the emotional mess that resulted

I was in the same situation as you, several timeS - I wasn't brought up by my mother, but by grandparents and god parents - inevitably, as they were older than my parents, they died when I was young, starting when I was around seven. I had lost four of my immediate family group by the time was 13, including the two women who I looked upon as mother figures. I wasn't allowed to attend the funerals or even have a conversation about it - nobody asked me how I was or if I needed help, because I was just 'the bairn' and expected to just get on with it.30 years ago, things weren't talked about (not in my family at least) and there were hushed tones and whispered conversations. I'm pretty sure it has damaged me in some aspects of my life and I'm not sure how I could even remedy it.

There's a saying 'nobody escapes childhood unscathed' and I think that, years ago, that was probably true for the most part. But those patterns don't have to be repeated and I think that generally speaking, as a society, we are more emotionally intelligent now.

Jillybean, you are in my thoughts. If I could offer you one piece of advice it would be, talk to your kids, keep them involved and keep them reassured. I think that will stand you all in good stead for whatever the future holds. All the best to you.